Here's my top picks for useful hacks for cripples.
Think about getting some of these for older people who might need help but don't want to be seen as disabled. Seriously, once they try a bathtub rail they'll never go back. The boomer generation has not really tapped into all this. I don't even know what you call the generation before boomers... but they're hopeless, they won't use it till they're losing it. I dunno, maybe if you make it all tie dyed or decorate it with hippie beads, or make that junk look like a ridiculous fancy sports car. Gen X will be so much easier, they will go for the duct tape and stickers as I have. We're cheap that way. Pretend it's a skateboard... whatever...
And now, the top 10!
1) A good wheelchair
Beg, borrow, or steal a really nice, light chair. You could always boot someone else out of theirs if they're more crippled than you are. I like my Quickie x-frame but I'd rather have a nifty Ti-lite, Zephyr, or Boing. If you are in one and you see me watch out because I might kick your ass.
2) Fancy walkers
Walkers with a built in place to park your butt and a bike basket on the front. I've never had one but they appear to rock. There is a certain panache to the old-school ones with tennis balls on the back legs. But the new-style walkers seem way more useful for shopping or standing (sitting) in line. (Although I always want to slap people who har-har and comment that they wish they could sit down in line too. Hey, dumbass, want to sit down? Just sit on the floor then, nothing is stopping you, no need to comment on my wheelchair...)
3) A reacher/grabber
Any of them are okay, but I like one with a textured gripping claw. I can pick stuff up off the floor with my 3-foot long robotic cyborg arm! I can get coffee mugs from off the shelves way up high!
4) A bathtub rail
Lumex makes a great portable one, very easy to install. It's like a rubberized vise grip that grabs onto the rim of your bathtub. It makes getting in and out of the bathtub easy and not scary.
They seriouly market this shit all wrong. It looks hospitally and geriatric. They need to be all like "COOL-ASS GNARLY FREAKY BATHTUB RAIL". And it needs to have flames.
5) Fancy canes
Oh there are such fabulous fancy canes out there. Flowered ones, scrolly gold ones, and most of them fold up in segments. Mod it up with a velcro strap to keep it closed. There is even a vibrating cane! File off its sharp handle edges for a little more ergonomics in your vibrating fun.
6) Pockets
Get pockets in your clothes. Seriously now! A guayabera is very nice - a Cuban shirt with 2 top and 2 bottom pockets. Why get up. Just carry your junk all around with you. Photographer vests are good. What the hell, who cares if they're ugly, they're useful.
7) Duct tape and stickers
Huzzah, duct tape! Modify anything! Build pockets for your crutches or a cup holder for your wheelchair. Then, decorate them.
8) Phone holster
Wear your phone on your belt. Don't put things in your back pockets any more. You have to lean forward to get them out of your pockets. Screw that.
9) The perfect wheelchair shopping cart
No one has invented this yet, but I thought of two ways to do it.
- Easy-install clamps that would go from the lower front of the chair to the lower back of a child-size shopping cart.
- a lap basket that clamps onto the chair's sides, so it hovers just off your lap and the weight doesn't rest on you.
10) Booze and painkillers
I just had a seriously painful nerve conduction study where I got like 20 zillion electric shocks to my leg with needle electrodes and this taser thing and they also wiggled the needles. While I was crying and screaming and naked and covered in snot. Now I can't walk even more. I swear to god. I'm already crippled, now I have to be tortured? Pass the bottle please. Again.
I'll just go drool over the chairs on that Colours site again... thanks...
No, wait, I have some honorable mentions for useful gadgets. Shelves, heating pads, electric blankets, sippy cups, trays, and keys on straps around your neck! Add more in comments!
